Six Degrees of Separation
2004 Boaz Rauchwerger
We all come across some difficult people in our lives. That is a part of life. Its how we choose to deal with those people that makes all the difference in the world.
Id like to tell you about a lady named Mary. Were about to discuss six difficult people in her life, all relatives, and how she used the challenges with those people to empower her own life. Perhaps Marys lessons can be of value to all of us. As she states, These very difficult people helped create the person I know and love todayMe.
The first person she talks about is her mother. She constantly corrected any grammatical errors I made. She also worked overtime to notice anything that could possibly be wrong with me. I had to work very hard all of the time just to stay in her good graces,relates Mary.
Some people would grow up with an inferiority complex. Mary chose to see her mothers difficult attitude as a gift. Today,she says, I am articulate in my communications with others and attract positive people into my life. I am also very conscious of my appearance.
Marys first husband, the second difficult person in her life, was a busy real estate agent. He was also unethical and not attentive to his family. He would arrange to meet clients at the family home and was often very late for these appointments.
As Mary explains, In order to keep his clients from getting upset, I had to learn to be very entertaining. Those social skills helped me to be the gracious hostess I am today. In addition, he was never intimidated by the rank or position of other people. That gave Mary the courage to deal affectively with people from all walks of life.
Marys second husband, a Yale graduate, was very much into himself. The terms selfish, narcissistic, and demanding come to mind. Mary chose to focus and learn from his talents. He taught me about investments,she says, and the importance of planning ahead. He taught me about romance as we traveled all over the world. I am a better person today as a result.
Marys brother was an angry person and the first of two family members to sexually abuse her when she was young. For some reason,she says, I wanted to protect him and thus I didnt say anything to anybody.However, as he grew up, he showed talent in a number of areas: cooking, gardening, travel, and business. As Mary states, The success he achieved taught me to stretch and seek more out of life.
Marys sister is a very insecure person. She was constantly criticizing everyone around her, including Mary. My sisters criticism,she says, lead me to study human behavior. I learned that her unkind words were a result of her own inner conflict and not directed toward me. I now look at the motivation of other people and I never take criticism personally.
The sixth person that affected Marys life was her grandfather. Although, to the outside world, he seemed like a caring and kind older man, there was another side to him. He was a sexual predator and Mary was one his victims as she was growing up. When I finally had the courage to tell my mother, she simply dismissed it and said her father was the best father anyone could ever have,says Mary.
However, Mary chose to focus on other things she saw in her grandfather. As she relates, Today, as I think about him, his resourcefulness makes me smile. I remember the cute things he made out of wood. I have fond memories of him monitoring our growth with marks made on the garage wall every time we visited. I now try to be mindful to do many memorable things for my grandchildren.
It was in 2001, when Mary took a few months to go back to school to study skin care, that she had the above revelations about her family. It was a unique time period,says Mary, when I had a lot of quiet time to think. Up to that point, I had harbored a lot of anger and resentment about these people. I decided to take the opposite approach, to write in a journal anything positive I could find about each of these individuals.
That process,she says, was an amazing time of growth. Instead of these people continuing to control my emotional life, I now saw them in a different and much more positive light. As of that moment, they no longer controlled me. I was now in charge of my life!
Mary summarizes the affect of the six family members we just discussed: All of these people were very difficult in my life and most had extreme character flaws. In choosing to look at the good, I learned from them. As a result, my anger with them has been completely removed. Now I have the freedom to use the wisdom I have gained to be more than I possibly would have been.
If youre angry with someone in your past, why dont you do what Mary did? Force yourself to find something positive about that person and write it down. That could put a lot of degrees of separation between you and your resentments.
An Affirmation of Separation
I now separate myself from any angry and resentful thoughts and choose to focus on the positive.
Article reproduced with permission from Boaz Rauchwerger. You may reprint any of these articles in any publication or Web site so long as you credit Boaz Rauchwerger as the author and include this Web site address, www.Boazpower.com.