Can I Ask You a Question?
2004 Boaz Rauchwerger
In my study of human relations for the past twenty years, Ive noticed that it doesnt pay to tell anyone anything. People, in general, dont like being ordered around.
It is much more productive, and easier to get things done, when we ask questions.
The story is told about a man who raised his son alone from the time he was very young. After the death of his wife, the man had the total responsibility for molding his childs future.
That child eventually grew up to be a fine man. He graduated from high school with honors, excelling in both academics and sports. He received a nomination to the Naval Academy and did very well there. He then became a decorated Naval aviator, married and had a lovely family.
The father was asked how he managed to raise such a confident, successful son on his own. His answer was simple, yet profound. I never ordered him to do anything,he related, I always asked him questions and gave him choices. He gained confidence, from an early age, by making decisions for himself.
From the time his little boy was old enough to understand, the father asked him about different choices. Did he want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Did he want to play ball or go ride his bike? In time, the questions became a little tougher.
However, the father would wisely color one of the choices the one that would be more productive for his son by using words of gentle persuasion. He would constantly ask his son what he wanted. Thus, by focusing on what the son wanted, the father had reasons why his son should make certain decisions.
For example, if his son was being bothered by a bully in elementary school, the father used that point to encourage his son to eat the right foods. He would say, Son, you dont have to eat your vegetables. If you do, youll get big and strong and be able to stand up to that mean kid. But you decide. Whatever you decide is fine with me.
This psychology didnt work every time. However, it did work more times than not. Even if his son chose the lesser option, the father backed him on that decision and complimented him by saying, Son, you make good decisions. Im proud of you.The only exception to this process would be a decision that could be dangerous or harmful to the boy.
Thus, through his early years, the boy learned to make decisions and he gained confidence. Some of his decisions were good. Some were not. Of those that didnt work out, the father would simply ask, Son, since that didnt work out so well, what would you do different next time?These discussions were not only a learning process, but they also were great bonding times for the two.
On those occasions when things did not work out, the father often started these discussions by pointing to one of his own past mistakes. Thus, the boy saw his dad as being human.
As adults, what if we took this process of asking questions and used it to take our success to the next level? This is illustrated in a great new book by Donald Trump called Trump the Way to the Top.
He writes in the introduction to the book, You cant know it all. No matter how smart you are, no matter how comprehensive your education, no matter how wide-ranging your experience, theres simply no way to acquire all the wisdom you need to make your business thrive.
For the purpose of this column, Im suggesting that the word businessin Trumps quote refers to your work and your life.
For this book, Donald Trump asked successful business people what was the best business advice they had ever received. In order to wet your appetite so you might read this book, Ill quote one of the answers he received.
Terry J. Lundgren, President, CEO, and Director of Federated Department Stores, offers advice as basic as it is often ignored: Bloom where you are planted. Do the best that you can in what you are doing right now.
Trump further states: There is no substitute for experience. None. But experience comes in two different flavors: your own and the experience of others. Most people can learn from their own experiences quite well, but many people simply ignore the experiences and lessons of others. This is foolish. Learn from those around you. You can benefit from otherswisdom.
Whether were dealing with a little boy who doesnt want to eat his vegetables or a successful business person with wisdom to share, asking questions can improve our lives dramatically. When it comes to doing this, can I ask YOU a question? Why not?
A Questioning Affirmation
I benefit greatly by asking people questions all the time, everywhere.
Article reproduced with permission from Boaz Rauchwerger. You may reprint any of these articles in any publication or Web site so long as you credit Boaz Rauchwerger as the author and include this Web site address, www.Boazpower.com.